Just Like Heaven - The Cure from Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me
Ugh all I’ve been doing lately is working out and watching Netflix reruns and staying home and constantly feeling constantly crappy because I’m always hungry/unsatisfied with the food I’m eating and wasting hours on the internet doing literally nothing and being unable to fall asleep until 4 am and procrastinating the very few things I actually need to do. And I’m so crazy bored and yet somehow I’m too lazy to do anything, even anything that’s fun. I actually want to go back to school.
I’m getting so ready to go back to school. I guess there’s just never like a perfect situation. It’s nice to have this time off, but
1. Since I’m trying to get healthier, I spend a lot of time feeling sore, being hungry, wasting time trying to motivate myself to exercise, and feeling bad when I do indulge myself occasionally. It is so hard honestly to eat perfectly all the time, because even when I’m physically satiated, there’s just a certain satisfaction that you never get. Sometimes the best feeling in the world is just eating something really unhealthy, but if you want to lose weight and be healthy, you basically never get that feeling. And I really hope it’s working at least. I’m trying to not be crazy about the scale, so I’m only weighing myself once a week, and so I can only check if my work is paying off once a week and I worry a lot about if it is or not. Anyways, it does feel good sometimes to be healthy but it kind of feels like a second rate lifestyle sometimes haha… hopefully once I really get used to it it won’t feel this way.
2. Also slightly related, sometimes I don’t even plan things with friends because there’s a chance we might get something unhealthy and it’ll throw off my regimen. I know that’s kind of ridiculous… and actually it’s not even the biggest reason. I don’t know why but…. for some reason I just don’t have this super strong urge to do a lot of fun things and go out with friends all the time… It’s so strange, but I’m just not super “feeling it”. And of course I feel like I have to make the majority of plans, and now literally all of my friends except for 1 live like at least 20 minutes away from me so that makes things a little complicated…. and sometimes it takes so much effort to plan things you wonder if they’re worth it. Anyways I just feel kind of tired and lazy all the time and I think that the more I stay in this lifestyle, the more tired and lazy I become haha.
It feels weird because my sister is in school now and I feel so lazy with the fact that I sometimes wake up when she comes back to school, and I feel kind of lame that I’m just always at home when she comes home, and yet I’m so lazy that even doing one tiny thing in a day is like a lot for me now, and also even though I have all this time I can still procrastinate and I’ve even been avoiding doing the very few things I have to do now. I just really believe that we’re strongly conditioned by our surroundings, and the moods and aspects of our surroundings really project themselves onto us.
I know these things aren’t really a big deal, and a lot of people right now who are super busy and stressed would kill to have these issues (and I was one of those people like a month ago), but it just feels good to get this stuff out. And it’s hard because it just seems like there are so few situations in life where you can just be simply…. happy. But I think I thrive when I’m busy with things I like, and it just seems like everyone is in school mode… maybe I am too. I think now I’m almost fully ready to go back to school.