It happened so suddenly. And kind of anticlimactically haha. But hey I’m done! This is so weird. I still don’t know how to feel or what to do now… Nonetheless it is a better kind of confusion than others of late :) 

Tonight I went to my friend Josh’s grad party and it was actually really great. It wasn’t very long but I think I’m starting to really get to know and become friends with some of Josh’s friends from Willow Glen. And they’re all actually really awesome people. We were able to joke and be stupid together already and that I think is the best sign of people really getting along. And then when I left, I still barely know anyone but I got a huge bye from what felt like a crowd of people. And honestly that was awesome :)

I really want something like that. Hopefully this summer I’ll continue to hang out with Josh’s friends and maybe actually become like really legit friends with them. But I really hope there’s something like that in college especially (Since those are the main people who I’ll be spending the next four years of my life with. And sadly I probably would barely get to see these guys after this summer, if even that. Of course though I hope to become friends with these guys. I’m just saying that it would be very unlikely to become extremely close with so little time left.). 

Anyways, I’m just saying that maybe I want a big group. I want friends that are truly accessible, that don’t live 20 miles away and that I can actually realistically plan stuff with. I want people that are excited, and optimistic, and enthusiastic about life and ready to embrace anything. I want friends that are dependable, and actually support you, and actually would come to see your shows. I want friends that are excited to see me and show it, and I’d love a big group that makes that great whooping unanimous sound of joy when they see you, and gives a real heartfelt goodbye when we separate, and doesn’t just disappear quickly. I want friends that I can reach by the phone, and you can just really feel like they’re there and close to you (both physically and emotionally).

I want friends where things are easy and relaxed and fun, and there’s no tension.

I just feel like at school, maybe what I’ve had isn’t always exactly what I want. Granted, there are a few friends from school that I know are always there for me and I love to death and they really support me as friends and actually make an effort to talk to me and hang out with me. But after all these years, when I say few I literally mean about 2 people. And I have a good amount of friends at school, but I mean REALLY REALLY true and devoted friends. I’m not saying that all the people at my school are jerks. And I’m not saying that it’s been the kind of thing where I put in 100% effort and they put in 0%. Maybe it’s just the sheer tininess of my school, and how there simply aren’t enough naturally compatible people for me. But I really want a big group of people, and a real community where you feel truly comfortable and your friends don’t act really hostile when something goes wrong and don’t alienate anyone.   I want friends with whom I don’t have to worry where I stand, and with whom I don’t have to monitor myself. At school, this issue I think has just been a matter of our small number of people, but I guess it’s just tough when you realize you might not have nearly as much of a community as you thought, and 2 people that you can truly feel supported by. I’m off to the alleged land of optimists next year though, and so naturally I can only hope for the best. I can’t wait to go to this enormous college and be part of the gigantic community, and I can only hope that the community’s heart is as big as its population.

kadabbs:

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